What Men Want in a Godly Woman

nelly1508
Jul 28, 2016
10 min read

What Men Want in a Godly Woman

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By Debra K Fileta

November 6, 2013

Debra K. Fileta is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in Relationship and Marital issues. She is the author of ... Read More

Editor's Note: This is the second in a two part series of what people are looking for godly marriage material. Click here to read yesterday's post, "What Women Want in a Godly Man."

“Single 27-year-old male, searching for a life-partner. Her best qualities must be external appearance and sexual appeal. Superficiality is welcomed. Preferably someone who is lacking in goals, neglective of dreams and aimless in direction to allow for me to become center stage. Would prefer to keep conversation entirely shallow—limited to pop culture and materialism.”

I can pretty much guarantee an ad like this wouldn’t draw much attention from females. In fact, if this were an actual ad, it would make most women cringe.

But the ironic thing is that though this ad seems so irreverent and disrespectful, it is often these very lies we are fed through movies, music and pop-culture as the way to a man’s heart. And many times as women, we believe those lies and try to measure up to a standard we were never meant to follow.

Just as women are not satisfied in defining a real man by his muscle mass and sex drive, real men are shifting their perception of what they are looking for in a woman. As women, we’re often told that our value and the quality of our relationships are directly tied to our sex appeal. But sex appeal has little value in the equation of a healthy and meaningful relationship.

Here are some qualities Godly men have told me they’re looking for in their brides-to-be:

Realness

It’s sometimes hard to believe being “real” is attractive to a man. It’s easy for women to look at the billboards and magazines that fill our minds with airbrushed beauty and enhanced bodies and think that being “real” makes you less than the others.

But I’ve found that real men are attracted to a woman who reveals her natural self.

This “realness” manifests itself partially in physical ways. Obviously, looking good is not a bad thing, but there is something about the beauty of a real woman that far exceeds the plastic Barbie version of ourselves so many women strive for and believe in.

Of course, men are not simply looking for a woman who is real with her appearance, but real with who she is. When it comes to attracting a real man, there is no need to pretend. They’re not looking for a woman who pretends to be into sports, cars, sex or anything else she thinks her man wants. They are looking for a woman to be fully herself—personality, quirks, deficits and all. Ladies, these are the things that make you unique and set you apart from every other woman.

Confidence

There is something about a confident woman that exudes beauty and attraction to a man.

There is something about a confident woman that exudes beauty and attraction to a man. A woman who is confident knows who she is and what she believes, and holds onto that in her interactions with others. She believes in herself, and knows she is valuable standing alone. She’s not defined by her relationship status, her physical appearance or her sex appeal.

She doesn’t buy into the lies that her value is dependent on what she does, but rather, who she is. Because a woman of confidence is aware that her value is rooted in nothing else but who she is in Christ, there is no need to flirt around or flaunt her stuff.

Flirting and flaunting will definitely attract a certain type of man to your side, but you’ll have to keep flirting and keep flaunting your entire life to keep his interest. A real man will be attracted to you because of who you are, not what you have to offer him. And just continuing to be yourself will be all you need to do to keep him there. That’s what healthy relationships are meant to be.

Beauty

Most men will tell you it’s important for them to be attracted to their significant other. But sometimes we as women misinterpret this to think that the way to a man’s heart is by achieving supermodel status. We beat ourselves up emotionally, physically and mentally trying to fit into a mold we were never meant to fill.

To a real man, beauty and attraction are defined by so much more than physical appearance. I’ve met tons of men who are completely turned off by women who are gorgeous on the outside, but hollow on the inside.

Real men are looking for a woman who displays true beauty, a beauty that cannot be enhanced, made up or airbrushed. They are looking for a woman who resonates with the beauty of kindness, compassion, humor, strength, love, joy and gentleness.

Believe it or not, real men are more interested in the size of a woman’s heart and mind than the size of her waist. It’s ironic then, that our society pressures women into keeping their focus on the external—the things that matter very little at the end of every relationship.

Passion

Let me clarify: There is a huge difference between a passionate woman and an overly emotional woman. The first is the kind men flock to, the latter is the type they run away from and never look back.

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Real men are looking for real women who will reflect to them the qualities of a loving God.

If there is one thing that I hear again and again from men, is that women need to be less emotionally driven. This may be a gender stereotype, but as much as I hate to admit it, they might be on to something. Emotions are such a valuable part of human beings, for men and women alike. But a huge problem arises when women (or men) let their emotions take the lead. It’s important for us to be driven by what we know and balanced by what we feel. Feelings alone should never lead the way.

But now that we’ve discussed what passion isn’t, here’s what it is: Being passionate means living a life that is purposeful, allowing your heart and life to be guided by things that are meaningful and invested in things that are good. It means having goals, believing in dreams and holding on to your values. It means being defined and propelled by justice, mercy, forgiveness, charity and grace. It means striving for healing in your own life and in the world around you.

Living a life of passion is important, because that passion will seep into every part of your life—relationships included.

It’s time to redefine the qualities we as women think we need to have to impress a man. It’s time to say no to the draw of sex appeal and begin to believe true admiration from men to women comes only when we begin to respect ourselves. Real men are looking for real women who will reflect to them the qualities of a loving God—a God who has made us to be confident, passionate, genuine—and beautiful in every way. May we as women strive to reflect Him in all that we do.

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11/8/2013 12:27 PM

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Joy commented…

The list is cute, but honestly it reads no differently than something I would have found in Cosmo. What is it that makes a GODLY relationship happen? If we all waited for the ideal qualities in our future mate, we would be dismally disappointed. Marriage as a Christian is an exercise in grace, it's training ground to put into practice 'loving your neighbour' in spite of it all. Marriage as a Christian is not an end in itself, we do not cultivate those qualities listed above in order to get a mate, instead we cultivate the fruits of the Spirit and put them into practice through singleness, marriage, parenthood, widowhood etc in order to ultimately be presented as a pure spotless bride for Christ...

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11/9/2013 7:21 PM

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Chris Mills replied to Joy's comment…

Agreed. I won't dare, in this lifetime, seek to understand women, but I will undertake to try and understand my wife. I resent the author's proposition that if she does not always feel confident, beautiful and passionate about things in life she is somehow not good enough or is somehow letting me down and I must respectfully ask the author to pull her head in. Her comments, whilst perhaps well intentioned in a normative sense, are laden with sentiment that I can apprehend would generate in a woman who is struggling with any of these parts of her identity a sense of guilt and inferiority, and that is not what Jesus came and died on the cross for.

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11/9/2013 8:43 AM

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Rick Patin commented…

Dear Editor...

Thank you for your insight. You bring great things to ponder. I will say that like most opinions they are based in experience, just as mine are. I’m a 43 year old professional musician, divorced after 12 years of a struggling marriage. In the past I’ve always dated someone for their “personality, their spirit” and it never worked out. I have decided, with the help of Debra Fileta’s book, True Love Dates, to date inward for a bit. While I agree that our focus in society seems to me mostly on physical attributes for attraction, your spin on it seems to be more negative than balanced. “Superficiality is welcomed.” Personally I’ve come to a spot where I want a woman who is as physically and emotionally fit as she is spiritually. I don’t believe that women or men that are fit active and in shape are superficial, shallow, or lacking in a Godly spirit. Balanced. The argument could be made that if you are overweight, which in an epidemic in this county, your outside “physical appearance” is just mimicking your insides “emotional and or spiritual turmoil. I think we are also a society of excuses, and political correctness. Afraid to “logically honest” with people when they really need it. I can honestly say that nothing tastes as good as healthy feels. Personally I would take an epidemic of people who are fit, healthy and active over, sedentary, lazy, or broken......Rick Patin.

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4/7/2015 8:46 AM

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Ashley Jones replied to Rick Patin's comment…

Rick,

I absolutely love your truthfulness and I agree with you 100%!

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11/14/2013 2:36 PM

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Brian Bultema commented…

Both what the author and Brandon Smith above say about women's emotions are right on. I do agree with Carrie that it would be helpful to have some concrete examples of what constitutes being governed by emotions. But on the whole women who let their emotions do the leading and who use the excuse of always needing their feelings to be validated -- no matter how nonsensical -- do scare men away in droves.

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12/17/2013 4:19 AM

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Katie commented…

I know this is days later, but I suffer with being non-emotional with my husband. I'm learning more and more that sometimes it's okay to cry. And it's good to know that I found an emotional, romantic husband that won't judge or condemn me those few times I actually share my feelings. How terrible. Don't settle with some guy who gets uncomfortable when you share your heart.

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5/14/2015 8:33 PM

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A virtuous Wife Blog commented…

Take Notes Ladies!!

-Dont be over emotional but it is okay to cry -Being beautiful on the inside is what counts. Your outer looks are just a bonus!

I also feel a true Godly women, would try her best to relate to the scripture Proverbs 31.

This was a great post and definitely something to consider when you feel like you have found "the one" God wants us all to be happy and with our soulmate, but its up to us women to be ready spiritually in every way God intended so we can be with out better half!

good post!

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12/20/2015 8:22 PM

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Jen Smith replied to A virtuous Wife Blog's comment…

In advocating the ideal of proverbs 31, I hope that yowisdom not in turn bashing the womens rights movement (aka, feminism) and blaming it for all of society's ills. Perhaps you are wise enough to know better. If you are not one to bash women's rights wholesale, please forgive this presumption.

It's interesting how many folks who promote Proverbs 31 as a description of an ideal woman, largley fundamentalists, have such disdain for the women's rights movement and the feminists. Yet, it's those women and some men who worked so hard to get many of the basic freedoms we women now have in the U.S.: the vote, employment, being able to walk past construction sites without being sexually harassed, etc. The Proverbs 31 woman is a business owner, mother and wife. She does it all, though she's successful enough to afford servants, which most cannot do. This is a woman who does it all, so I sincerely hope you are more open-minded than many advocates of the prov 31 female and recognize this: only decades ago, women were barely left outside the home alone. An escort was needed, or it was o.k. if she was with a group of females.

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7/8/2016 10:20 PM

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Cathey Isidra commented…

After 3 years in marriage with my Husband with a kid, my husband started going out with other ladies and showed me cold love, on several occasions he threatens to divorce me if I dare question him about his affair with other women, I was totally devastated and confused until a friend told me about a spell caster who help people with their relationship and marriage problem by the powers of love spells, at first I doubted if such thing ever exists but decided to give it a try, when I contact him and told him my problem, he helped me cast a love spell and after 24hours my husband came back to me and started apologizing and ever since the spell cast, he has stopped going out with ladies and he is with me for good and for real. Contact this great spell caster for your relationship or marriage problem at drstanleyspelltemple@hotmail.com........\

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What Men Want in a Godly Woman